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Un-delegated carer
It’s funny how things changed in what seemed like a split second. I do not think that I will ever erase the memory of going to bed a fit and healthy and waking up the opposite. Getting used to what I call my ‘new life’ is proving to be difficult. I am trying to embrace it as I feel that would be my way forward but it is not easy. On top of getting used to the idea of being ill I also have to get used to something else which I sometimes find difficult to admit.
My family and partner have gradually become my carers, picking up the pieces and completing what I can not do. All my life I have always worked to get what I like, making it possible by my self. It is sometimes difficult to comprehend the fact that I now have to rely on others to achieve or get something done as it is very frustrating. I sometimes wonder how my partner keeps up with the emotions caused by my pain.
I worry it would create strain on the relationship as he is a carer and a therapist. It is a big change and he reassures me that he stands by me and is ready to live this ‘new life’ with me. I can’t help but ponder on what goes through his head sometimes. The support he has given me is beyond words, he never changed his ways towards me even when the condition started. I sometimes wonder whether he is in denial or perhaps that is his way of dealing with it. He almost makes me feel as though everything is still possible.
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Denial
I had several appointments to see the doctor with the aim of a diagnosis on my condition. I pushed my self to work as I was in denial of what was happening to my body. Depression set in as it seemed there was no way out it may sound cliché but it seemed I as they say a tunnel with no way out. It was a struggle going to work every morning, I would wake up 2 hours before I had to set off for the journey to work. Luckily I lived with my mother so she would wake up with me help to dress me and prepare my breakfast.
The very very short walk I used to take for granted to the bus stop was now excruciating. What was even worse was the tube travel to my destination; I was faced with the task of climbing the stairs to the platform. By the time I got to work I was ready to go back home and just lay in my bed. This carried on for a week and half so I decided to stop pushing myself and finally give into the illness. Anyway I had to stop working as I developed anaemia on top of the painful symptoms, which meant that my energy levels shifted and I was not the up-beat person I used tobe.
At this point I was attending physiotherapy sessions which only seemed to do more harm than good. So I was told to stop by my GP I was very happy about this as physio involved stretching a yellow plastic band. Eventually I got to see a specialist whom conducted various tests and prescribed medication to help my immune system to stop the inflammation in the joints. This was only the beginning of me accepting my condition but I did not. When asked by friends and family I would actually play down how serious my condition was, still in denial mode.
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Tired of being ill
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Attacked by my immune system
It was the beginning of July 2006, I had a decent day at work and was excited for the weekend to begin as I had not been to a theatre in a long time and could not wait for experience. It was a busy friday and I remember walking down Covent garden coming from the theatre, I had just watched the Lion King. I got home and realised through my whole entire journey in-fact the whole day I had experienced a sharp pain in my left leg and right shoulder. I did not think much of it so I decided to rub a little deep heat and went to bed.
I work up with the urgency to use the toilet, my temperature was sky high, both my shoulders ached my body felt heavy for my legs. Every step I took to get closer to the toilet was agonising. The tendons at the back of my legs felt like they had been stretched to their limit and where about to tear. The joints in my feet and knees where aching and I experienced excruciating pain as I went down the stairs.
When I made it to the toilet, I sat down and cried as I tried to figure out what exactly was happening to me. I got my mobile phone and booked an appointment to see my doctor. I could not understand what I had done to cause the pain and strain that I was going through. I was very scared…
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Welcome
Are you fed up of not getting enough information about Rhematoid Arthritis? I aim to provide information and aid support in the field of Rheumatoid Arthritis by sharing experiences with others. Advise and information is quite scarce so I thrive to provide advise to young people by educating, mentoring and helping at the highest level through first hand experience. I call it self therapy, I believe the best tool to help those suffering form the condition is by learning and sharing knowledge and experience.
For more information please click the link below.
http://www.lifebeyondarthritis.com
